I'm gonna smash it up till there's nothing left ([info]shmivejournal) wrote,
@ 2006-11-14 10:49:00
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my spectacular cold reading abilities at work
This conversation happened at the post office while in line to mail my Weasel Balls:

Postal Girl #1: So Angela is supposed to be due June 15th

Postal Girl #2: Oh really, does she know what it is yet?

Postal Girl #1: I don't think so

Jay:... It's probably a baby

Postal Girl #2: You're probably right

Jay: I'm right like 9 times out of 10 -- one of my sisters turned out to be a baby. I called that one too.

Postal Girl #1: Man

Jay: People tell me I have a gift, but I think the ability is within everybody -- you just need to "find your center"

Postal Girl #1: Yeah

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[info]sameasiteverwas
2006-11-14 03:55 pm UTC (link)
you just need to find your birthing center. then it will be a baby.

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[info]shmivejournal
2006-11-14 03:58 pm UTC (link)
you just wanted to use your icon

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[info]sameasiteverwas
2006-11-14 04:47 pm UTC (link)
it was kinda a poor excuse, too, since the icon is sort of the opposite of pregnancy. but pseudo-opportunity knocks (up) only once.

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[info]ruxxell
2006-11-14 04:06 pm UTC (link)
while i didnt actually sa... whoa. that guys icon is MESSED UP

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venn diagrams have shown that guy was a douchebag.
[info]ruxxell
2006-11-14 04:08 pm UTC (link)
anyways, we went to see Borat on sunday, and the guy with the cart full of popcorn comes and tries to do his schpeel. over the jimmy fund kids.
then he finally gets that we cant fuckin hear him so he waits for some silence and does it again. while i didnt actually say this, because i've gotten in trouble for yelling in a movie theatre before, i wanted the conversation to go something like this:

guy selling stuff: you guys will be in here for an hour and a half, so buy some candy from me.

people: (not buying candy)

guy: also, next week we have Casino Royale, the new james bond flick, and also we have HAPPY FEET.

me (should have yelled): hey do you think its too early to pre-order tickets for HAPPY FEET?

somehow i dont think the demographic for Borat has any intersection with that of HAPPY FEET.

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Re: venn diagrams have shown that guy was a douchebag.
[info]shmivejournal
2006-11-14 04:14 pm UTC (link)
lately i've been breaking out of the habit of not saying stuff and not reacting.

I have a new thing while driving if I make a mistake -- this happened yesterday when I stopped late at a stop sign while some guy was speeding through in the other direction, and his response was to make all sorts of crazy "WHAT ARE YOU DOING GRAHHHHHH" motions and he was clearly cursing and beeping and soforth.

I have found the best way to deal with this is to just make it even worse by pretending that you think the guy is your friend waving at you. So I smile and wave back all happy like "Oh, hi! It's you! The guy!"

I bet that made him even worse, and that makes me happy. If you're angry, I will try my best to make you even angrier by misinterpreting. I don't watch tv anymore. I need this.

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Re: venn diagrams have shown that guy was a douchebag.
[info]geekgrrrl
2006-11-14 05:29 pm UTC (link)
my dad used to follow the people who cut him off and did then flipped him off. As if their being a jerk was somehow his fault. So he would follow them and they would look in their rearview mirrors and my dad would smile and wave like they were his best friend... He would follow them until they finally would look back and smile and wave back.


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Re: venn diagrams have shown that guy was a douchebag.
[info]shmivejournal
2006-11-14 09:21 pm UTC (link)
oh man, that's hardcore.

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[info]switchstatement
2006-11-14 04:19 pm UTC (link)
postal ladies didn't seem to happy at your witty interjections. they must be SOULLESS or married.

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[info]shmivejournal
2006-11-14 04:22 pm UTC (link)
they were, but it doesn't really translate in text and i am not allowed to make things up.

I mail things in there maybe twice a month and they all know me and occasionally exclaim "It's the Weasel Ball Guy!"

My life takes some interesting turns.

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[info]ruxxell
2006-11-14 04:27 pm UTC (link)
the guy at our downtown chinatown PO also knows that im sending pins. especially when im sending pins to canada.

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[info]switchstatement
2006-11-14 04:39 pm UTC (link)
ok then, SCORE.

it must be nice to have interesting turns.

also, i used the wrong "to/o" on the internet, so i think i'm banned for awhile. see you next month.

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violet winks at you
[info]shmivejournal
2006-11-14 04:44 pm UTC (link)
I think, sir, that you could do the same. Mainly all you need to do is be in it for you. I mainly try to be funny for ME but I need a WITNESS.

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[info]shmivejournal
2006-11-14 04:47 pm UTC (link)
Okay that's not true I try to be funny for other people too.

BUT the worst is when you try to be funny for other people and not you too. That's the worst.

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[info]sameasiteverwas
2006-11-15 04:58 am UTC (link)
how is the weasel ball business, if you don't mind me asking? Are sales up? Down? Is it a seasonal thing, with most sales around Xmas? How do you manage your weasel ball inventory, do you guesstimate or use a computerized just-in-time algorithm to keep stock at the right level?

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[info]geekgrrrl
2006-11-14 05:29 pm UTC (link)
hey married people still have a sense of humor.

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[info]karenkh
2006-11-14 04:49 pm UTC (link)
we can learn so much from you
i'm glad you share

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[info]oh_spit
2006-11-14 05:26 pm UTC (link)
you're such a jackass!

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[info]shmivejournal
2006-11-14 05:32 pm UTC (link)
you met my sister who was the baby! and incidentally I think I did end up telling you the story about how I tried to tell her friends that she was born with a superfluous tail and we all called her 'tails' when she was growing up -- which is completely false and I just made it up.

haha, i AM a jackass!

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[info]oh_spit
2006-11-14 05:36 pm UTC (link)
case and point.

jackass.

you ruined your poor sister's non-tail reputation!

jackass.

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[info]shmivejournal
2006-11-14 05:39 pm UTC (link)
it's enjoyable!

... for me!

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[info]cruelhazel
2006-11-14 05:35 pm UTC (link)
You DELIGHT me.
I am not so good at finding my "baby centre" (which sounds awful dirty now that I've typed it), but I am quite the useful at interpeting "Oracles".

Visiting an old coworker:
Co-Worker: Oooh! Juju! Here's an 8-Ball! Let's ask it something!
Me: Sure.
Co-Worker: Is Juju the coolest person ever? *turns ball over* It says "ON"... Does that mean yes?
Me: *glances over* Honey, that says "No."

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[info]shmivejournal
2006-11-14 05:46 pm UTC (link)
My other sister (the non-baby) got me an answer-me-jesus, which was this giant hot pink statue of jesus that had the little magic 8 ball thing on the bottom.

One of the best answers in it was "let me ask my dad"

I ran into my friend Anna one time at the eye doctor/eyeglass place and went out to my car to get Answer Me Jesus. I brought it back in and we asked it some questions and then she had to go to her appointment and I had to get my glasses. Then, I left.

I went out to my car and then I realized that I had FORGOTTEN SOMETHING, so I got to go back into the waiting room and say "HAHA, SORRY, I FORGOT MY JESUS"

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[info]cruelhazel
2006-11-14 06:06 pm UTC (link)
Haha! For reals, I HAVE the Answer-Me-Jesus! I'm not saying I bought it because it looks like a kinky sort of dildo, but it helped in the decision.

I was playing around with it with my friend Meg, a known whore. To calibrate my Jesus, I asked "Is Meg a whore?"
It answered, "Hypocrite."
At which point I paused and I was like, "Wait, did JESUS just call me a WHORE?"

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[info]chayam
2006-11-14 07:01 pm UTC (link)
Okay, that's just too funny, starting with the dildo part and then moving on all the way through Jesus calling you a whore. Thoroughly funny!

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[info]shmivejournal
2006-11-14 07:10 pm UTC (link)
Hahahaha, I really like the nonchalant understated way in which you establish the fact that your friend is known whore.

Like there's a LIST.

Wait, is there a list?

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[info]cruelhazel
2006-11-14 07:21 pm UTC (link)
Why? You want a list?

Let's put it this way. While in college, a disproportionate amount of my friends were part of the Rocky Horror club.
Their entire roster is essentially a "Who's Who of Ho's".

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[info]shmivejournal
2006-11-14 07:28 pm UTC (link)
Sources say yes.

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[info]cruelhazel
2006-11-14 07:38 pm UTC (link)
Outlook not so good.

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[info]stakingaclaim
2006-11-14 05:55 pm UTC (link)
Won't you feel silly when you go back to the post office later and find out she that she actually gave birth to an alien?

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[info]runstaverun
2006-11-14 06:43 pm UTC (link)
If you are only right about this 9 out of 10 times let me please ask you to stay very far away from anyone I know who is having babies.

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[info]shmivejournal
2006-11-14 08:44 pm UTC (link)
Yes, but how do you know they are babies.

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[info]dosboof
2006-11-14 10:39 pm UTC (link)
I was thinking maybe the remaining 1 of 10 would be the thing from Eraserhead.

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[info]ilovegravy
2006-11-14 06:50 pm UTC (link)
That remaining 1 out of 10 times that you are incorrect, it's probably a watermelon.

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[info]pan2
2006-11-15 07:43 am UTC (link)
Nice... did you nail them both at the same time or one after another?

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[info]dwizzy
2006-11-15 12:38 pm UTC (link)
You've been 43 foldered :)

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[info]dwizzy
2006-11-15 12:40 pm UTC (link)
Also, seven out of ten seems a more accurate figure.

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[info]shmivejournal
2006-11-15 04:32 pm UTC (link)
yeah thanks CAPTAIN SUNSHINE

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[info]annamatic
2006-11-16 01:45 am UTC (link)
I want an Answer Me Jesus!

And a Weasel Ball!

My birthday's Friday, Jay. Just sayin'.

*squeezes eyes in anticipation*

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[info]shmivejournal
2006-11-16 02:53 pm UTC (link)
Outlook not so good.

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